My L button doesn't work on my DS anymore so I can't play Castlevania: Order of Ecclesia properly. I think I might get a new one. I've also decided that that new Castlevania game will be my last purchase at GameStop. For a while, I've grown not to like them. Now, I'm incredibly annoyed. If anything, I'll get my games at Blockbuster (also where I work), Amazon.com, and some mom-and-pop stores. I just beat Gears of War 2 today so I will be moving on to Call of Duty: World at War (while I still have it for rental). Soon, I will be moving back to South Hadley. Hopefully, it'll work this time. This time, I don't have a brother to rack up my cellphone bill like he did the last time. Life is still quite exhausting for me. I'm still surprised I didn't quit Price Rite yet.

My life as of late in short. I have two jobs. I lack sleep. I think Price Rite demoted me to greeter. I picked up smoking because of it. My social life continuously deteriorates. Little to no free time. I really want to be a girl for some reason. END.

Yesterday was probably one of the most awesome days I've had in a long time. I went to my college to make a payment and to hang out with some of my old friends. Much to my surprise, I was welcomed back by a parade of people in RPG club, including some old high school friends who were starting off their first year and friends who've already graduated but can't leave old memories behind (because they're sad people ((Bridget, Colleen, Spencer, I love you guys)). I forgot how happy I was in that place. It was one of the only public places I've actually ever felt comfortable about myself as a person. We had an awesome time, I played PSP with Jose and Fern, and I played Kirby Super Star with Bridget and Ellis. I talked to Kim a lot. It felt as though I have never left. That place re-instated that nerd/geek pride that I withheld for so long, especially from living with my old roommate. That place knows who I am and what I'm about. I can't wait to pay off that fucking school so I can come back. I missed them so much. That's where my true friends were. Well, most of them anyways. And some of my true friends don't go to HCC (either anymore or not at all), but I'm pretty sure you know what I mean. I wish I stayed longer so I can talk to more people. Right now, I'll take what I can get.

Also, my arms are fuck sore from weight lifting two days ago.

I have two jobs. I live with my friend Alan now. I've always been in love with one person. I will probably never meet that one person face to face. I have trouble sleeping. So this is what's it's like being an adult...

I really hit the shitter this time. I owe so much money, it's not even funny. My cell phone bill ramped up to 420 dollars because of my retard brother (who shares my family plan). I know, all of you are going to tell me that I'm stupid for even having him on there. YES, I AM STUPID FOR THAT. THANK YOU FOR INFORMING ME OF THE OBVIOUS. YOU GUYS ARE COOL. I also owe almost 600 dollars to the school. I haven't payed them because I didn't have a job for a while. I also never payed off my health insurance for a few months. Because of this, I moved back in with my mom. I'm not happy about that at all. Then again, I would've rather moved in with people I knew longer than a few months in my junior year in high school. I liked the feeling of living on my own but it fucking killed my pockets.

I'm still working at this shit job of mine. The only reason why I hate my job is that I'm a fucking cashier at a cheap ass grocery store where people buy groceries with my tax dollars! Yeah, working there has spawned a new pet peeve of mine: FOODSTAMP USERS. Most of them look like they're living pretty well: expensive cell phones, Bluetooth headsets, PSPs in their children's hands, expensive brand name clothing, expensive jewelry, the works. And they mean to tell me that they cannot afford food with their own money? I declare bullshit on this. I've only worked there since late April and I've never been more ashamed of my own race until now. My own race has the pride to stand tall, but they also have the audacity to steal hard working American's money by not getting a job themselves. The only people who should be shopping between the hours of 8AM through 3PM on a weekday are children on school vacation, old people on retirement, housewives, workers on their days off, and workers on their breaks. I see all of the above and families with their children at 10AM. How is it that no one in the whole family has nothing better to do with his time other than to bag groceries? Granted, food is a necessity to live but food isn't free. And it shouldn't be free. We all need to work to live. There shouldn't be any shortcuts. So that's what's been bothering me lately. Also, just in case any of you forgot, I am Puerto Rican. I'm only referring the majority of Puerto Ricans. Not all of them are preening faggots.

I've been playing my 360 a lot lately. Gears of War mostly. I helped my friend, Alan, buy a fucking awesome new gaming PC. He can run most games in the highest settings. It cost only a thousand dollars with a 19 inch HD widescreen monitor included. Guess where we found it? Wal-mart. YES. Motherfucking Wal-mart. Yeah. That actually inspired me to look on Newegg.com to look for a good budget gaming PC. I got most of the specs there and it should be smooth sailing. For everything that I want, it would run me about 1350 dollars. It run almost everything I'd want to run. But that's only a wishlist. I'd like to dish out that kind of money but (as you all know) I'm in a financial crisis (kind of).

I also came up with the weirdest idea I've had in a long time. I wonder what it would be like to be a woman. I'm talking body and anatomy. I had this idea saying to myself, "I want to be a woman." Why did I come up with such a random idea? For one (and possibly retarded) reason: to be a female gamer. Let me explain: female gamers are rare in the gaming community. I'm not talking about your girlfriend who plays Peggle on your computer or plays UNO on your Xbox Live account. I'm talking about girls who play games the guys like to play: Gears of War, Team Fortress 2, Soul Calibur, Guilty Gear. I respect women like them. They give it their best and wish to be treated as equals. Instead, they get comments like, "OMG UR RALLY A GURL??!?!!?" and "pics plz?". They play games to have fun and to get some competition. I want them to be taken seriously as gamers and not just as girl gamers. I feel if I became a woman, I'd understand what they go through to be taken seriously. That's 95% of my reasoning. The other 5% is straight out curiosity. I've been thinking about it for a while so I had to let it out.

This is what lack of Internet gets me: a long fucking entry.

Well kids, I finally moved out on my own. It's definitely a different feeling. I'm enjoying myself so far but the place I'm staying at could totally use some improvements. Plus, I need to learn how to cook more because I have to buy my own food now. Fucking wonderful. First step to becoming an adult. WONDERFUL. I realized that I couldn't stay with my mom much longer or I would grow too dependent on her and that wouldn't be good for my self esteem. So I moved in with Mike and Anthony in South Hadley. Mike is pretty cool. Anthony's a dick with a drug problem. Gladly, he hasn't been home for a few days due to kidney stones. He's either been at the hospital or his mother's house. At least he let me borrow a few games for my 360. Whatever.

The weather has been a killer lately. Luckily, every time I had to go to work in that weather, I've been given a ride either by luck or by kindness. On the days I don't get rides, I walk to work. It's all uphill. No bus goes up where I live. It's a 30 minute walk from where I live to Price Rite. Gotta make my money somehow. I've also been getting some pretty decent paychecks lately. I'm quite happy about that. I guess it's all the extra hours I've been working. I'm glad working there isn't as bad as it may seem. I actually went to Target to pick up an air conditioner with Mike. I saw the employees there and it made me remember why I hated working there. I went to work the next day with a smile on my face because of that. After that, I felt light headed. Fuck me, right?

Hopefully, this will work out and be a good decision in my life. Writing this reminds me of how my mother held on to me and cried on the last day I lived at her house. I really hope I made the right choice.

I totally fucked up on my diet. Ever since I've started working, I've absolutely no will power to continue. I don't see my dad that much so I've had no motivation to move on. It wouldn't have been the first time that my diet plan was all talk. It almost makes me wish I didn't have a job again. I also decided to drop my major in computer networking. Way too fucking business-y for my taste. I've yet to decide on what I want to do next. Maybe something more hands on. As of now, my top priority is moving out. My friend Mike Johnson has been talking to me about moving in with him at his place in South Hadley. I'd be paying like 320 a month for rent which includes utilities, free Internet, DVR cable, and a place closer to work. I'd get my own room too which is good. We've been hanging out a lot lately. He likes to throw parties quite a bit. Yeah, imagine me with a bunch of preppy white guys drinking with 'em. Awkward, yes? But that's how it's been for a bit. I'm also looking for a second job. Preferably overnight and close to where I may soon be living.

I also finally got a 360. Alan's 360 bricked and it was sent out to repairs. It came back and now it's mine. I still owe him 200 bucks for it. I gotta make that payment in shifts. I got a gaming plan at Blockbuster so I can rent games all I want for like 22 bucks a month. I think it's great because I don't have shit for games on the 360 (save for Gears of War and The Orange Box). I rented GTA4 (which disappointed me), Call of Duty 4 (which is awesome), and currently Assassin's Creed (which is pretty sweet). I think my next rental will be Bully: Scholarship Edition. I would really fucking love Microsoft Points right about now. Also, people need to stop bitching when I rape them on Ultimate Mortal Kombat 3 on Xbox Live. Quitting out early is my new pet peeve. The 360 sucks for fighting games though. I hate that fucking D-Pad so much.

I really wanna learn how to play Beatmania IIDX. It looks so much fun. I was really closing to posting my little gaming set up like Bridget did, but I was too lazy. Maybe I'll do it in my next entry or when I move in to the other apartment. I'm off to play more Assassin's Creed. Oh, and just in case any of you (for some strange reason) have an Xbox 360 with Xbox Live, send me a friend request. My Gamertag is DESULAZOR. It's also on my user info as well.

I finally have a job now. It's not the most glamorous job in the world but fuck, it's something that'll get me paid. I got a job at Price Rite. Fucking grocery store filled up to my neck with Puerto Ricans (my own kind). Kinda surprised they hired me too. Well, I can't really complain. I can finally leave my financial woes behind within two months, three months tops. My mind's a little more at ease now. I start Monday in the afternoon. I do wish it were something I were more familiar with, like a gaming store or the electronics section of some department store. Well, the bright side is that it's closer to home. Still quite a walk home (because I missed the bus just barely). Regardless, I'm pretty fucking grateful. I think I'll be able to sleep well for a while. First thing I gotta pay off is school payments, health insurance, cell phone bill payment, then credit card... IN THAT ORDER.

Also, I don't care what any of you fags say, Minami-ke is awesome. Totally addicted to slice of life anime...

Well guys, I came to the realization that I'm depressed. Probably not severely but enough that would be able to cause me to seclude myself from the world by turning off my light and laying on my bed with my eyes open thinking to myself, "Why am I alive?" I've been covering up my depressed state by continuously making plans with friends of mine and playing video games. They're like drugs: they cover up reality until it's over.

Why am I this way? Because I've come to realize that I've made many mistakes in my life which were easily preventable but I let my pride get the best of me. I originally intended to get a job so I can go to school. Instead, I just worked there part time and wasted my money on video games. I saved absolutely nothing for myself. The year after, I decided to go to school and work. Later, I got stupid with my money and sold something that I felt so proud of buying because I felt I deserved it with all my hard work and I bought it with my own money, my Wii. Then I quit my job for a seasonal job while managing school. Later, much to my surprise, I got laid off of that seasonal job. I've been looking for a job for 3 months now. I still have nothing. I'm paying my bills through fucking credit cards. I'm missing school payments for fucks sake. I'm in a financial crisis. My friends spot me money when I'm short and it makes me feel bad because I know I can't repay them. I feel greedy as if I'm scraping the bottom of a trash can for cans when they do that. Sometimes, I wonder how they even put up with me. I feel terrible when I ask my family for money too. They've supported me through so much and they believed in me. I feel like I've failed them. They gave me money for college, I spent it on material things.

It's really hit me this time. I want to be my own man but I don't want to grow up. Reality scares me. I want to move on but I'm not sure if I have the courage. I think this is the first time I've ever truly felt like this. I don't count my teenage years because I was an attention whore and a poser. I'm not happy. This is the closest I've been to crying since my pre-teen years. I'm seriously considering dropping out of school because I can't afford it. I need a job and nothing has come my way. I've really been trying but I get nothing but rejection.

I think I've realized why I tend to use sarcasm in almost everything I say out of my mouth. I think it's because I'm hiding my own insecurities. I hide the fact that I'm not happy by acting incredibly boisterous and peppy. I've been covering up my failures for far too long. One day, I'd like to play a video game, hang out with friends, or even live life without this weight on my shoulders. So for those of you that actually read this entire thing, this is who I am now. This is my true self. This is the side of me that you don't see. I'm sure some of you have seen me angry, but this me sad. I do have an emotional side. I'm not this cold heartless bastard that make myself to be or attempt to make myself to be. I'm sorry if this entry is too long but I thought it was time that you guys know the truth about me and what's really going on with my life.

I would've updated last week but my dad forgot to weigh me. Actually I forgot to remind him. But I have this week's results as of noon today. Here's I how I stand:

Weight: 228.6 lbs.
Body Fat: 34.1%
Body Water: 48.1%
Bone Mass: 8.8
Muscle Mass: 72.5

Last weekend, I did kinda fill myself with Chinese food and brownies when I was over at Alan's house. I had a little more junk food last week. My workout routines were minimal because my dad had a tight schedule. I was able to start weight training which is fun. Also, what I think helped when working out was out of the question was DDR day at school. I played a lot of that. I have been drinking more water. Still working on eating healthier. I should start doing somethings on my own without being completely dependent on my father. Still, I wouldn't be progressing without him. I hope this pace continues because I'm still quite proud of myself for even taking it this far.

In other news, Alan's 360 finally bricked so he's sending it to Microsoft to get repaired. When it comes back, I'm going to buy it off of him. He's getting an Elite as a replacement. Looks like my plans still stick Spencer. Sorry, but I do hope you have a Happy Birthday. :3